ABUSE doesn't Discriminate
Abuse occurs when people mistreat or misuse other people, showing no concern for their integrity or innate worth as individuals, and in a manner that degrades their well being.
When starting
over seems too big a task and unnatural to go on without the
once-true other. Infidelity shatters assumptions of what
life once held true. The one who was security is now a
source of danger. When safety is threatened, we have abuse…
When I saw an unhealthy pattern with any of my relationships, wither it was with employers, friends, landlords, different religions I started reading and researching. Do You????
Although intellectually I knew from what I was reading what was going on, I was drawn into the power of persuasion and my own heart towards something I invested or longed for...
I stumbled
When I saw the effects on my family and others who were going through similar things, I saw the slow effects of conformity so I knew I had to step forward. It seemed we just needed help with the first steps. The very first step for me, was to understand and acknowledge what was going on. Sometimes I just had to "acknowledge I would not understand others intentions,(hay sometimes I didn't even understand myself) I accepted the things I knew I could change "... which was me. Then did what ever it took to get the things I needed in place to take care of myself and keep me safe or healthy inside and out. Even though I was discouraged to look outside my relationships/way of operating for answers, but I never stopped reaching for the stars. I also approached the person(s) I was bothered with about better communication. Yet the ones closest to my situation just tried to keep things going the way they were. I felt a lot of pressures to leave people or things the way they were, and only after the fact did I see the manipulation to keep me in my place so they could maintain their place or roles.
I saw how so many organized religions and
people covered up their abuse, and I now stay separate from them. I am
still a baptized, single person, except that I believe their should be
no justifications for abuse. A structure, or traditions of abuse may
put women in vulnerable positions without the proper context of
submitting. I think there needs to be more supports and accountability
to protect and invest in our future generations. Were cleaning up too
much garbage, with our pretty packaging.
People can see when another person is
vulnerable, and I think these situations get women into a lot of tough
spots if a woman has subdued foundations or supports to begin with.
What is wrong with having public education for all ages, and languages
about Canadian Laws? Not all citizens of Canada have the
opportunities to access information freely, some need it to go to them
because they are stuck! Human resources should be made available for
all citizens no matter the religion, or location. I could only see,
when I looked at my life objectively (through another window), and I
could only look when I was at a safe distance away from the source. I
did not realize that I was being abused! And not just from one man, from
several sources.
I don't understand how anyone can say
a women has a choice or wants to stay in a situation that is hurting
her, when she doesn't see that she is getting hurt. Or if she cannot
see nor hear of any escape route, if she is surrounded. Then
women are faced with getting someone in trouble if they tell! Then
they may be ostracized from neighbors and his supports if she stays
put at her job, her home, her community, her religion, her family...it
may cause people to take sides. She might be threatened to loose all
she knows and has invested in... That is IF she can even distance
herself.
I found that many people don't like to get involved. Some would rather stay neutral because they did not personally witness anything, so therefore justify being non supportive, even by listening. Of course I know I didn't want to add more burdens on others, so I tried to show respect to everyone by keeping my silence. Or some people don't see anything wrong with how things are being done. In fact, some covered up what another person was doing... cheating for instance. This all adds to more feelings of being violated or alone. Silence is the beginning of abuse, because everyone should have someone who will listen to them without what ever is being said dismissed or minimized. There are people trained and/or paid to help if you go to them. There needs to be some people in positions of trust and authority available who wont abuse you, right?
Punishment and retaliation comes in many forms, and the abusers don't want to look like the bad guy. So you might be treated very nice for a time, especially in front of others. That's when I again became passive, or minimized, dismissed their deeds. Then everything would start all over again, until the next time I was miniscule, dismissed, and my head spiraled with questions. Questions like who will believe me? Even silence is abusive when we shut out the person who tries to stand up for themselves. Have we not evolved from the meaning of being in submission to something that includes dignity, and respect being on the receiving end as well as the giving. We teach our children, and they learn from our mistakes or they can follow the same ones.
My adult sons, have literally given the winter coats off their backs for someone homeless and gone all winter with none. They are my guardian angles, who have seen more garbage growing up than most people have watched on the news in a lifetime. Not everyone is able to remotely change a channel at their discretion to suit their needs, in fact some people don't get to watch TV at all. Think about this illustration when someone tells you life is all about choice!!!
The experiences that challenged me have humbled me. Situations I thought never would or could happen to me, after all I read all the books and learned all the latest new tools, had all the pros directing my path, in fact I did not believe my own life could be so out of my control. I started writing, but only when I reached out to see others trapped in the same mind games did I realize I had a lot to share.
My personal experiences humbled me. Your not alone, I even saw well educated professionals, who I thought had perfect lives, some who teach others how to live a better life be totally messed up too.
We could move on, forget about it or put things behind us as some seem to simplify life with catchy praises like that. I found that people who TOLD ME what I HAD TO DO and who we are suppose to be in order to be better people are pretty shallow to do so. Because deep down, what we are today is a result of deep roots, that I have grown from and keeps me grounded. I reflect upon my past to keep building for the future. I like who I am, and I realized after a time that I am not judging people, as I was beating myself up for. I was actually making the same boundaries for myself that were no different than the oceans waves. The same boundaries I respect with others. I was not assuming, as they said I was, I was communicating, being approachable, and promoting honesty.
We can hire someone that is well educated who is only going to tell us all the things we need to here to feel better about who we are and what we do. But then, I wonder.... who are these people to tell me what I should feel like, when I happen to like the way I am, OK the way I am ... what if their core belief system is very opposite of mine or yours? For instance....
Reading all the driving manuals and repair books for years is very different than actually operating a car. Even if they did drive a car, why would you give anyone who has never drove a standard except around the block ...to get behind the wheel of your drift car (which is very unique, just like you) and race? Do they really know what you have to physically go through to pass through on your own race track without injuring yourself?
I am not saying you shouldn't reach out and accept professional supports. I am saying that some tend to simplify things in life with catchy praises that tell us what to do and who we can be. We can hire someone who is well educated to tell us all the things we need to here to feel better about who we are. But will they truly balance us? I get upset at some who say life is as simple as choice. Choice has different meanings!!! Because even something as simple as the one phrase"" all we need is LOVE" cannot save a world if the way we show LOVE doesn't have the same meaning for everyone. Nor does LOVE have the same effect on other people as you would like love being shown to you. Peace has been brought to us through different forms of expression, we even have people protest the ways others have tried to bring peace in other parts of the world.
I found that many people don't like to get involved. Some would rather stay neutral because they did not personally witness anything, so therefore justify being non supportive, even by listening. Of course I know I didn't want to add more burdens on others, so I tried to show respect to everyone by keeping my silence. Or some people don't see anything wrong with how things are being done. In fact, some covered up what another person was doing... cheating for instance. This all adds to more feelings of being violated or alone. Silence is the beginning of abuse, because everyone should have someone who will listen to them without what ever is being said dismissed or minimized. There are people trained and/or paid to help if you go to them. There needs to be some people in positions of trust and authority available who wont abuse you, right?
Punishment and retaliation comes in many forms, and the abusers don't want to look like the bad guy. So you might be treated very nice for a time, especially in front of others. That's when I again became passive, or minimized, dismissed their deeds. Then everything would start all over again, until the next time I was miniscule, dismissed, and my head spiraled with questions. Questions like who will believe me? Even silence is abusive when we shut out the person who tries to stand up for themselves. Have we not evolved from the meaning of being in submission to something that includes dignity, and respect being on the receiving end as well as the giving. We teach our children, and they learn from our mistakes or they can follow the same ones.
My adult sons, have literally given the winter coats off their backs for someone homeless and gone all winter with none. They are my guardian angles, who have seen more garbage growing up than most people have watched on the news in a lifetime. Not everyone is able to remotely change a channel at their discretion to suit their needs, in fact some people don't get to watch TV at all. Think about this illustration when someone tells you life is all about choice!!!
The experiences that challenged me have humbled me. Situations I thought never would or could happen to me, after all I read all the books and learned all the latest new tools, had all the pros directing my path, in fact I did not believe my own life could be so out of my control. I started writing, but only when I reached out to see others trapped in the same mind games did I realize I had a lot to share.
My personal experiences humbled me. Your not alone, I even saw well educated professionals, who I thought had perfect lives, some who teach others how to live a better life be totally messed up too.
We could move on, forget about it or put things behind us as some seem to simplify life with catchy praises like that. I found that people who TOLD ME what I HAD TO DO and who we are suppose to be in order to be better people are pretty shallow to do so. Because deep down, what we are today is a result of deep roots, that I have grown from and keeps me grounded. I reflect upon my past to keep building for the future. I like who I am, and I realized after a time that I am not judging people, as I was beating myself up for. I was actually making the same boundaries for myself that were no different than the oceans waves. The same boundaries I respect with others. I was not assuming, as they said I was, I was communicating, being approachable, and promoting honesty.
We can hire someone that is well educated who is only going to tell us all the things we need to here to feel better about who we are and what we do. But then, I wonder.... who are these people to tell me what I should feel like, when I happen to like the way I am, OK the way I am ... what if their core belief system is very opposite of mine or yours? For instance....
Reading all the driving manuals and repair books for years is very different than actually operating a car. Even if they did drive a car, why would you give anyone who has never drove a standard except around the block ...to get behind the wheel of your drift car (which is very unique, just like you) and race? Do they really know what you have to physically go through to pass through on your own race track without injuring yourself?
I am not saying you shouldn't reach out and accept professional supports. I am saying that some tend to simplify things in life with catchy praises that tell us what to do and who we can be. We can hire someone who is well educated to tell us all the things we need to here to feel better about who we are. But will they truly balance us? I get upset at some who say life is as simple as choice. Choice has different meanings!!! Because even something as simple as the one phrase"" all we need is LOVE" cannot save a world if the way we show LOVE doesn't have the same meaning for everyone. Nor does LOVE have the same effect on other people as you would like love being shown to you. Peace has been brought to us through different forms of expression, we even have people protest the ways others have tried to bring peace in other parts of the world.
KENYA: Lawyers ask Men to Fight Against Female Genital Mutilation
http://womennewsnetwork.net/2010/09/16/fgmkenya100/
"The ducklings with the pecking mechanical mother, though, followed much more closely. Even the scientists were stunned to discover that the group that bonded and followed most closely was the one that had been pecked repeatedly with the greatest frequency. The more the ducklings were pecked and abused, the more closely they followed. The scientist repeated the experiment and got the same results."
The author then wrote, "It was a compelling story that resonated within me. Even I had to admit the possibility that my fierce loyalty to my parents may not have been because I wasn't abused, but because I had been."
"Can’t Let Go of a Bad Relationship?” In her article she quotes:
A traumatic bond is created when pain is inflicted into the attachment. This bond is stronger (just like epoxy glue is stronger than rubber cement) than a non-traumatic bond. The more traumatic the bond, the harder to get out.
The intermittent enforcement was very interesting to me. How often do we hear victims struggle because of some ‘good’ that was handed to them by the abusive partner, or how they can be 'nice guy’ to coin the term. Out of the Fog gives you good tips on how to handle intermittent Enforcement.
If we look deeper it seems traumatic bonding is something spiritual abusive churches tend to use as well. Cindy Kunsman of Under Much Grace is an excellent source of information in that realm.
Trauma Bonding
"Some scientists were conducting an experiment," he said, "trying to gauge the impact of abuse on children. Ducks, like people, develop bonds between mother and young. They call it imprinting. So the scientists set out to test how that imprint bond would be affected by abuse."The ducklings with the pecking mechanical mother, though, followed much more closely. Even the scientists were stunned to discover that the group that bonded and followed most closely was the one that had been pecked repeatedly with the greatest frequency. The more the ducklings were pecked and abused, the more closely they followed. The scientist repeated the experiment and got the same results."
The author then wrote, "It was a compelling story that resonated within me. Even I had to admit the possibility that my fierce loyalty to my parents may not have been because I wasn't abused, but because I had been."
"Can’t Let Go of a Bad Relationship?” In her article she quotes:
A traumatic bond is created when pain is inflicted into the attachment. This bond is stronger (just like epoxy glue is stronger than rubber cement) than a non-traumatic bond. The more traumatic the bond, the harder to get out.
Emotional Abuse and Your Faith: Traumatic Bonding: How does it work?
eaandfaith.blogspot.ca
What
makes it exceptionally hard for Christian women to leave abusive
marriages is that they are not only traumatically bonded to their
husbands, they are also
The intermittent enforcement was very interesting to me. How often do we hear victims struggle because of some ‘good’ that was handed to them by the abusive partner, or how they can be 'nice guy’ to coin the term. Out of the Fog gives you good tips on how to handle intermittent Enforcement.
If we look deeper it seems traumatic bonding is something spiritual abusive churches tend to use as well. Cindy Kunsman of Under Much Grace is an excellent source of information in that realm.
I was also a victim of abuse...Of emotional abuse. My ex husband cheated on me multiple times but I even didn't know about it for many years.When my sister told me she saw him with a the other woman kissing I couldn't believe it. I was puzzled and didn't know what to do.Then she advised me to install the tracking app mspylite.com which helped me to know his locstion and I saw that he wasn't at home when I was at my mum's place and lots of messages to different women, nudes and agreements to meet on a hookup.
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