Why advocacy is needed

Importance of Advocacy and Friends

If the cards are stacked against a person, why should anyone report of being harmed?  

Because, only when a person is ready to speak out about the harm that they have experienced
can they start to begin the process of healing. They may not ever see justice served. But reporting  is the clearest indicator of a persons taking stalk of themselves and breaking the chain!!!
They need your help, to overcome barriers!

Peer support - When I wrote this message below on a teen suicide awareness sight, this resulted in many people coming forward with their experiences.

Permitting yourself to be vulnerable, is brave

We all reach out in different ways, and unfortunately we don't always hear what we need to from others in order to pull us out of a rut. My son stopped someone from hurting themselves by tough love, but he knew the situation and why it worked.. Its not a good idea to be tough towards people who are volatile and who you don't know. Keep in mind people are giving an opinion and they have there own STUFF to deal with that doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you when they say things that hurt. What works for them is not going to work for everyone. Opening up and permitting yourself to be vulnerable, is brave, shows a lot of strength to reach out and let people in. We are all original masterpieces...not everyone will appreciate the same work of art.

The teens who put the suicide awareness  site together just need a little  steering now and then when people get on and say things that make things worse. These teens followed up on the messages with the same  encouragement. This site was started by youth for other youth because there have been a huge amount of teen suicides in our area lately. Why I intervened was that someone had just wrote a suicide message on the girls  bathroom wall which got a lot of attention. The responses were not unlike the backlash a celebrity got from going public with her abuse. I showed them a video of a youth who went on line and committed suicide and he got the same scrutiny from on lookers... only one person called the police? Too late! All we need is a little more awareness.

If you don't believe someones message or understand what they are going through  zip it and listen. Don't ever ignore the warnings.... abuse can lead to self damaging oneself so what ever method of communication they need...... it is survival! The message on the bathroom wall I spoke about  later on thanked us..... she said because of the responses she wont do it. Another precious life saved because we reached out to her. and now hopefully she is one of the people coming forward with her message.

 I dont believe this could happen!

What some may not realize is that sex harassment, discrimination, neglect and abuse can start out very subtly and can so enmesh a person in it’s grasp that they become so intimidated, terrified or embarrassed that they feel restrained from even mentioning their victimization.  There is terror in the thought that by revealing their ordeal they will make the situation worse  and expose themselves to the ridicule of non-believers.  Even when a victim does come forward the system we have in place may frequently ask questions why we didn’t come forward sooner and why did wee deal with the person in the first place.  Thus the victim is essentially placed on trial and there credibility placed into question.   

    Physical abuse

What the media also may not tell you is that with all of the “safe houses,” the restraining orders, and the phone calls to the police, an abused woman is often on her own. Law enforcement can’t guarantee protecting her. Restraining orders are only good if they are enforced, and if the men they are directed against are willing to abide by them.

http://www.infojustice.com/samples/17%20Domestic%20Violence%20Investigations%20and%20Actions%20by%20Dr.%20Scott%20David%20Neff.htm

People who are being neglected, sexual advances and or/discriminated against, abused are
 not always in a position psychologically and often financially to combat the challenges..

Then, why do people want to go back to their abusive partners?  Who do you trust? 

Who can you trust as an advocate? Because society does not often support the abused person enough

People go back to what is familiar to them because society does not often support the abused person enough to help the emotional process of letting go. For example, the family or friends of the infidel support him or her,  because they allege mistreatment, (s)he's so angry (hell hath no fury like a woman scorned), and what else could (s)he do? Yes, they have protected there loved one from harm and responsibility. So, yes  they might also support the choice for the infidel to move on with others…but is the best way to work on a relationship? To jump right in and have another one? The infidels worshipers might even be there for the fall, always there, always a friend? Bull, the worshiper needs help or is the instigator but never a true friend.

There could also be a feeling of betrayal and distrust when your friends or other people knew what the liar was doing, and never said or did anything to bring the truth out in the open. In many ways they enabled the deceptions and you may already feel let down!!!!

People may reason that they didn't want to hurt you or it wasn't there business. This attitude is no different then walking away from the scene of an accident, because you are now involved, like it or not... you were put in a position where you knew and chose to stay out of it when you could have helped instead. What kind of friends do you want by your side?

Communication 101

What if you try to communicate with someone who is causing you some concern, you said that when they did this or that , you felt 'fill in the blank'. Then rather than listen, they say " it is your problem if you feel that way", there not responsible for how you feel and keep doing it. In fact they dont really stop and look at you. Really? No, dont fall for that crap.You dont need more bullies. When you leave an abusive relationship your communication may not be the best but you need people around you who understand. There are some good compilations for recovery to assist you further. I statements are powerful messages of  how you see things. I statements build a foundation of trust and respect in relationships. Communication is less intimidating by use of the I statement, and helps draw awareness to the defenses of projection, splitting and isolation. I-Statements mean the accountability and responsibility remain with the speaker, your not pointing fingers. To connect with others, build intimacy, or let them know us better. Here is a site on Appropriate Assertiveness.http://www.compassioncoach.com/how_and_when_to_use_i_statements

People in positions of trust and authority

There are people in positions of trust and authority who also have said or did knowing knowing something was wrong and going on, yet they are still part of the abuse no matter how far in the past because they kept the secrets hidden and continued to ignore or play into deceptions. It is like the pages of a history book needing to be torn out because of lies it will spread to the future. Or secrets too dark there hidden just like our churches we trusted and  hid the dark ages and slavery so we never really got the real sense of what they did until we researched outside the church. Turning a blind eye or being impartial doesn't help anyone trust the systems we thought were there for us. Even when religions hide abuse, this only protects themselves, not the people who were brave enough to come forward. Abuse effects more than just one person, and maybe the next time the abuse will be worse. Keeping the confidentiality for another person who has done harm means nothing when there is an obvious conflict of interest, and someone innocent has or might get hurt again. I have seen many repent, go out and be the very best christian but behind closed doors do the same things, they just learned to hide it better. So choose your supports carefully, God stands for truth, not cover ups.

Be careful there is no conflict of interest. Does your ex have anything to do with the support you know? It is easy for supports to turn around or minimize the accountability and effects of the abuse if there is a conflict of interest.  "We can define a conflict of interest as a situation in which a person has a private or personal interest sufficient to appear to influence the objective  as, say, a public official, an employee, or a professional."

Choice

Someone may say you had a choice, not really if you were being controlled, that was the past. Remember we can make a choice to change NOW, TODAY! By changing how we see things, our perspective! Or friends may try to comfort you by saying this is how we grow, and learn. Maybe theses phrases work for some situations but not all so dont be discouraged... you will eventually learn and you will grow but in the beginning you need to be safe and get distance. I personally see statements like 'just forgive and you will be set free', and other quick catchy lines as closed statements, like a generic fit or fix it for all. As though a friend was brushing off  their needing to go deeper in regards to abuse, and really taking the time to listen. Life is not that simple for some, and some people need to go deeper before they can move forward, some dont. So choose someone who you feel actively listens, and values your perspectives. There is a time when we all need a little push, which is different than being shoved off.


Speaking out and wanting accountability shouldn't be turned around to mean something negative, like telling a person their judging. It is not fair to say speaking out is not practicing forgiveness, love, long suffering, or tolerance in all cases. Phrases like these thrown onto an already abused person or child causes more harm because there being suppressed again. It takes a lot pondering before a person speaks out, they may be feeling guilty enough already when they shouldn't feel guilty.  I came to understand profiling is not wrong, showing healthy boundaries is not wrong, having an opinion is not wrong. Individual or independent thinking is not wrong...as some holy writings make these references a reason for us not to question or look outside our faith. People who constantly relate this way are actually promoting more abuse, more silence, more rules, and less dignity, less freedom, less humility, less understanding. We need less isolation, and more understanding

  Remember, no more excuses for cheating.

“…there is no union of bodies without the heart's acceptance…clothed in my dignity I walk away," but cannot leave. She sees the sordid side of love but cannot stop loving him…a most poignant tale of women without power or safety from infidelity.



below is information from one of my many research projects
http://counselingoutfitters.com/Rutherford.htm

HOW TO HELP >>> BE A FRIEND

1. Listen to her story-for the 1,000 times she will need to tell it.

2. Believe her story. Patriarchy and society rarely support her; her self-esteem will be all but gone and shame takes its place.

3. Tell her not to sleep with him-very directive but necessary- for safety. She will want to sleep with him to keep him; he will have convinced her something else led him to do it.

4. Suggest a Clarissa Pinkola Estes’s wolf pack of solid supporters who know and understand-those cunning, wary, feral, observant.

5. Respect her grief-she cannot make it smaller than what it is to her.

6. Encourage unforgiveness to keep her safe at first. Wade and Washington (2003) say forgiveness is not always the answer dignity and self-respect come first.

7.Let her anger be her strength, for it says, “Stay away from me."

8. Remind her that infidelity is not simple; it is dangerous and it is abusive.

• With supports, with the truth, and permission to be real, she can be safe to heal. She doesn't need more abandonment, shes been silent and hidden while watching the world go by for too long.

AnonymousJun 26, 2011 06:33 PM

I grew up in a home of a addict mother who had different kinds of people over at all times of night i remember hearing screams and things breaking coming from her room 6 years old i couldnt protect her but i wanted to be as close to her as i could i sneak into the living room hide behind couch and cuddled the wall knowing my mom was being hurt right on the other side of the wall.. when i was this young i never actually got to see the fights just the after affects when i was 12 i witnessed the most tramatizing thing there fight got out of line mom actually came out of her room i rember thinking mom is actually leaving this pos she left for 10 min came back to say sorry to the ass who hurt her and BAM he snapped pushing her hitting her threw her off the back porch and continued to throw blows i never seen it before this and omg anger,fright and confussion ran threw me all at once i looked around and saw a mag flash light and grabbed it i used all the force in me to hit him back of his head nope didnt even faze him he turned on me i took off running to the next door neighbors bare foot thinking the hole time how am i gonna tell them about this do i tell truth or stretch it a little i decidejust ask use phone i called 911 and cops picked me up at neighbor house to take me home and the officers told me that my mom denied him touching her so there is nothing they can do i hated her at first never understand how she loved this man who would eventually kill her if she stayed ..................... 6 yrs later i meet this wonderful man who adopted my fatherless baby boy and moved us in he was all ever dreamed of 7 months into the relation ship he has some control issues hits the wall beside me when yelling at me for what i dont know calls me dumb cunt stupid bitch fat whore daily and i still love him .WHAT!!!!! he dont put his hands on me he is a great man how come my mom was so stupid to be with a man who abused her well august 22 2006 we say our i dos 4 months later who is this man infront of me why is he stranglin me till i see black why is there bllood allover got so many pains going threw me right now what do i do go back to him for 5 years i put up with several different types of abuse with him till i leave him well he wasnt dont hurting me he fucks my best friend of 7 years and hooks up with her now i see my love and my bestie un seperable it kills me to see them she is a snake in grass and he is just him

Whole New Group of Friends

Metal illness, suicide attempts, and self-injury are not who we are but something that we have been though and have to deal with. Mental illness does not define who we are. The fear of how I would be treated by others was the issue that stopped me from getting help for so long. And I decided to make it my life mission to raise awareness about the things that made me most afraid.
I knew it was going to be hard, but I had to get rid of the toxic people in my life. They were going to hurt me and my recovery, and I had to let them go. I had to get a whole new group of friends who would support me and love me, insecurities, illnesses and all. I owe my life to them. They have stood by me whatever I was doing or going through. I never thought I would have the support and love that I do now. I never thought that my life or how I was feeling would get any better, but it has. It has taken me a long time, but I am not embarrassed at what I struggle with. I don't have any more shame and want to share my experiences and passion with you. I have good days and bad days. Amazing days and awful day. I am not healed from my mental illnesses and will probably struggle with them for the rest of my life. But with God, with supportive friends, with the right medicine and therapy, things DO get better. I know that I cannot do this on my own. I have to have help, and there is nothing wrong with asking for it. If I can do it, trust me -- BELIEVE me -- you can too. I plead with you to ask for help. Please don't waste another minute of your precious life being hurt, controlled or miserable because of your past. Some days when I sit here and think about where I was at, how sick I was and how very close to death I lived, it makes me shudder. Whoever is reading this and is hurting, I swam for you. I will continue to swim for you.

*PERSONAL DISCLAIMER 

The content of this site consists of my own personal research and opinions (occasionally information and opinions from others). In addition, the thoughts and opinions of participants are welcome so often information may be adjusted; this web space is intended to provide information for support purposes. 

إذا مكدسة بطاقات ضد أي شخص، لماذا يجب أن أي شخص يقدم من التعرض للأذى؟

لأنه، فقط عندما يكون الشخص على استعداد للتحدث عن الضرر الذي تعرضوا لها
ويمكن أن تبدأ لبدء عملية الشفاء.

  قد لا نرى أي وقت مضى تحقيق العدالة.
ولكن التقرير هو أوضح مؤشر على الأشخاص الذين ساق من أنفسهم وكسر سلسلة!

الإيذاء الجسديما وسائل الإعلام أيضا قد لا اقول لكم هو ان مع كل من "البيوت الآمنة"، والأوامر الزجرية، والمكالمات الهاتفية للشرطة، وهي امرأة المعتدى عليهم في كثير من الأحيان على بلدها. ويمكن تطبيق القانون لا يضمن حماية لها. الأوامر الزجرية جيدة إلا إذا فرض عليها، وإذا كان الرجال أنها موجهة ضد هم على استعداد للالتزام بها.الناس الذين يتعرضون للإهمال والتحرشات الجنسية وو / أو التمييز ضدهم، وسوء المعاملة
 ليست دائما في موقف نفسيا وماليا في كثير من الأحيان لمواجهة التحديات ..
ثم، لماذا الناس يريدون العودة إلى شركائها المسيئة؟ الذي يمكن أن تثق به؟لأن المجتمع لا يعتمد في كثير من الأحيان يكون الشخص المعتدى عليهم بما فيه الكفاية للمساعدة في عملية العاطفي من ترك الذهاب. على سبيل المثال، الأسرة أو الأصدقاء دعم الكفار، لأنهم يزعمون سوء المعاملة، (ق) انه غاضب جدا (جحيم لا هاث الغضب مثل امرأة الازدراء)، وآخر ما يمكن أن (ق) القيام به هو؟ نعم، لقد حمايتهم من الأذى ومسؤولية. لذلك، وسوف ندعم ونساند خيارات للمضي قدما مع الآخرين ... ولكن هو أفضل وسيلة للعمل على وجود علاقة على الحق في القفز ويكون آخر واحد؟

  يمكن أن يكون هناك أيضا شعور بالخيانة وعدم الثقة عند أصدقاء أو أشخاص آخرين يعرفون ما كان يقوم به كاذب وقال أبدا أو فعل أي شيء لجعل الحقيقة في العراء. في العديد من الطرق التي مكنت هذا المكر!انه لا يختلف المشي ثم بعيدا عن موقع الحادث، وذلك لأن تشارك الآن أنت، شئنا أم أبينا ... وقد كنت وضعت في موقف حيث كنت على علم، واختاروا البقاء للخروج منه.هناك أناس في مناصب الثقة والسلطة الذين يقولون ولا يفعلون شيئا، ومع ذلك فإنها لا تزال جزءا من سوء المعاملة بغض النظر عن مدى الماضي لأنها حافظت على أسرار مخفية واستمرت في تجاهل أو اللعب في الخداع. هو مثل صفحات من كتاب التاريخ الذين يحتاجون إلى أن الممزقة مثل أعمارنا الظلام. تغض الطرف أو أنها غير متحيز لا يساعد أي شخص يثقون في أنظمة اعتقدنا انها هناك بالنسبة لنا. حتى عندما الأديان اخفاء الاعتداء، وهذا يحمي أنفسهم فقط، وليس الناس الذين كانوا يتحلون بالشجاعة الكافية للتقدم. آثار سوء المعاملة أكثر من شخص واحد فقط، وربما في المرة القادمة تعاطي سوف يكون أسوأ. السرية لآخر النظير لا يعني شيئا عندما يكون هناك صراع واضح في المصالح، وربما تضار شخص بريء.ولكن مرة أخرى، أنه من السهل على الدعم لتغيير مسار أو التقليل من المساءلة والآثار المترتبة على سوء المعاملة في حال وجود تضارب في المصالح. واضاف "يمكننا تحديد تضارب المصالح والحالة التي يكون فيها الشخص لديه مصلحة خاصة أو شخصية كافية لتظهر للتأثير على الهدف كما يقولون، موظف عمومي، موظف، أو محترفا."وقد يقول قائل: هل كان لديك خيار. أو نقول هذه هي الطريقة التي تنمو، والتعلم. ربما العبارات أطروحات العمل لبعض الحالات. وأرى شخصيا هذه الاختيار قصيرة من الكلمات والعبارات المغلقة، أو متجاهلا يزداد عمقا في ما يخص الاعتداء. الحياة ليست بهذه البساطة بالنسبة للبعض، وبعض الناس بحاجة الى التعمق قبل أن يتمكنوا من المضي قدما. اختارت ذلك الشخص الذي كنت تشعر بنشاط يستمع، ويقدر وجهات النظر الخاصة بك. هناك وقت نحتاج فيه كل دفعة، والتي تختلف من أن يشق قبالة.لا ينبغي أن المساءلة يتحدث بها ويريد أن يتحول إلى حوالي يعني شيئا سلبيا، مثل قول شخص على الحكم. ليس من الانصاف ان نقول الجهر لم يتم ممارسة الصفح، والحب، والمعاناة الطويلة، والتسامح في جميع الحالات. عبارات مثل هذه القيت على شخص أساء بالفعل أو طفل يسبب المزيد من الضرر بسبب وجود المزيد من الضغوط مرة أخرى. يستغرق الكثير يفكر قبل شخص يتحدث، فإنها قد تكون الشعور بالذنب بما فيه الكفاية بالفعل عندما لا ينبغي لها أن تشعر بالذنب. جئت لفهم التنميط ليس خطأ، والتي تبين حدود صحي ليس من الخطأ، وجود رأي ليست خاطئة. الناس الذين تتصل باستمرار بهذه الطريقة هي في الواقع تشجيع مزيد من الانتهاكات، وأكثر الصمت، المزيد من القواعد، وأقل كرامة، حرية أقل، أقل التواضع، فهم أقل.

  تذكر، لا مزيد من الاعذار."... لا يوجد أي اتحاد من الهيئات دون قبول القلب ... والملبس في كرامتي أنا سيرا على الاقدام"، ولكن تستطيع الرحيل. ترى في الجانب القذر من الحب ولكن لا يمكن أن تتوقف المحبة له ... حكاية الأكثر إثارة للمشاعر من امرأة من دون سلطة أو سلامة من الخيانة الزوجية.

أقل من المعلومات من واحد من مشاريعي العديد من الأبحاثhttp://counselingoutfitters.com/Rutherford.htmكيفية مساعدة تكون >>> الصديق

            1. الاستماع إلى قصة لها أوقات 1000 انها ستحتاج ليقولوا ذلك.

            2. ويعتقد قصتها. النظام الأبوي والمجتمع دعم نادرا لها؛ لها الثقة بالنفس ستكون جميع ولكن ذهبت والعار تأخذ مكانها.

            3. أقول لها ليس للنوم مع جدا، له التوجيه، ولكنه ضروري من أجل سلامة. وقالت انها تريد أن تنام معه للحفاظ عليه، وأنه سوف يكون على اقتناع لها شيء آخر دفعته للقيام بذلك.

            4. اقتراح Pinkola كلاريسا إستيس في الذئب حزمة من أنصار الصلبة الذين يعرفون ويفهمون، هؤلاء الملتزمين الماكرة، حذر، وحشي،.

            5. احترام الحزن انها لها لا يمكن أن تجعل من أصغر من ما هو عليه بالنسبة لها.

            6. تشجيع unforgiveness للحفاظ على آمن لها في البداية. واد واشنطن (2003) يقول المغفرة ليست دائما الجواب كرامة واحترام الذات يأتي أولا.

            7.Let غضب لها أن تكون قوة لها، لأنه يقول: "ابق بعيدا عني."

            8. أذكرها بأن الخيانة ليست بسيطة، بل هو خطير وانها مسيئة.


                مع يدعم، مع الحقيقة، وإذن أن تكون حقيقية، فإنها يمكن أن تكون آمنة للشفاء. إنها لا تحتاج إلى مزيد من الهجر، وشيس كانت صامتة وخفية بينما يراقب العالم من حولك لفترة طويلة جدا.

            AnonymousJun 26، 2011 18:33

            لقد نشأت في منزل من أم مدمنة الذين لديهم أنواع مختلفة من الناس في جميع الأوقات خلال ليلة وأنا أتذكر سمع صرخات وأشياء كسر قادمة من غرفتها من العمر 6 سنوات أنا لم أستطع حماية لها ولكن أردت أن تكون قريبا منها كما ويمكن أنني التسلل الى الاختباء وراء أريكة غرفة المعيشة ومحضون الجدار معرفة والتعرض للاذى أمي الحق في الجانب الآخر من الجدار .. وعندما كان هذا الشاب لم أكن حصلت فعلا لرؤية المعارك فقط بعد يؤثر عندما كان عمري 12 شاهدت الشيء الأكثر tramatizing هناك يقاتل خرج من خط أمي جاء في الواقع للخروج من غرفتها rember أنا أفكر أمي يترك في الواقع هذه هي نقاط البيع ألقى ترك لمدة 10 دقيقة عاد ليقول آسف على الحمار الذي يضر بها وBAM انه التقط دفع ضربها لها ألقوا بها خارج الرواق الخلفي واستمر في رمي ضربات أنا لم أر من قبل هذا وOMG الغضب والخوف وconfussion ركض لي في كل مرة نظرت حولي ورأيت ضوء الفلاش المجموعة الاستشارية للألغام وأمسك هو أنني استخدمت كل القوة في لي أن ضربه مؤخرة رأسه كلا لم ترعب حتى له التفت لي أنا أقلعت تشغيل إلى الجيران المجاور العارية التفكير القدم الوقت حفرة فكيف يمكنني ستعمل نقول لهم عن هذا يمكنني معرفة الحقيقة أو تمتد قليلا أنا اسأل decidejust استخدام الهاتف فاتصلت 911 ورجال الشرطة التقطت لي حتى في منزل الجيران أن يأخذني الداخل والضباط قال لي أن والدتي حرمته مسها حتى لا يكون هناك شيء يمكن القيام به كرهتها في فهم أبدا أولا كيف أنها أحبت هذا الرجل الذي قتل في نهاية المطاف لها إذا بقيت ..................... 6 سنوات في وقت لاحق التقيت هذا الرجل الرائع الذي اعتمد ابني طفل يتيم وانتقلت لنا في كل ما كان يحلم به من أي وقت مضى من 7 أشهر إلى السفينة علاقة لديه بعض قضايا مكافحة يضرب الجدار بجانبي عندما يصرخ في وجهي لماذا لا اعلم المكالمات لي البكم مهبل الدهون الكلبة غبي عاهرة اليومية، وأنا ما زلت أحب له. ماذا!! لا انه وضع يديه على لي انه رجل عظيم كيف تأتي والدتي وكان من الغباء بحيث أن تكون مع الرجل الذي أساء لها بشكل جيد أغسطس 22 2006 نحن نقول لدينا أنا دوس 4 أشهر في وقت لاحق من هو هذا الرجل امام لي لماذا هو stranglin لي حتى أرى أسود لماذا هناك bllood انحاء حصلت على آلام كثيرة سوف رمى لي الآن ماذا افعل أعود إليه لمدة 5 سنوات أنا طرح مع عدة أنواع مختلفة من سوء المعاملة معه حتى أترك له جيدا انه لا يضر أميل لي انه الملاعين أفضل صديق لي من 7 سنوات وخطاطيف معها الآن أرى حبي والامم المتحدة لي bestie seperable فهو يقتل لي أن أراهم هي ثعبان في العشب وانه هو فقط له

            * شروط الشخصية

            محتوى هذا الموقع يتكون من أبحاثي الشخصية والآراء (معلومات وآراء في بعض الأحيان من غيرها). وبالإضافة إلى ذلك، فإن أفكار وآراء المشاركين وسهلا بكم في كثير من الأحيان ويمكن تعديل المعلومات، ويهدف هذا الفضاء على شبكة الإنترنت لتوفير المعلومات لأغراض الدعم.