Compilation of Steps to Recovery and Becoming Survivors

To get "UNSTUCK"

Don't let this tittle scare you. Maybe there are things you can relate to.

Remember that gender is interchangeable,

Posts from : The Path To Peace-Recovery From Psychopathic Manipulation and Abuse

Brainstorming a lot on ways to get some of you "unstuck". I see the dynamics many of you are enduring in my mind, but putting it into type is yet another challenge for me. There are many varying circumstances that keep each of you in the bond for different reasons, long after he is gone. I'm learning that much of deep and focused healing on yourselves means three things: Responsibility, CHOICE and perspective. I'll share what that looks like: Responsibility: taking responsibility for YOUR participation in the relationship, what was missing that the psychopath targeted, and the reasons are many, the dynamics you participated in that hurt yourself and/or others, and what you can do now to take responsibility for your life now that isn't' about HIM. CHOICE: To believe we are not capable of being captain's of our own ships with regards to choices we make in our lives now, is to remain a VICTIM. Yes, I know, he ripped you off, he broke your heart, he raped your soul, your body and your mind and your aftermath is full of what he left you without closure, but it is YOUR choice now how you respond to it and HOW you handle it. Turn your life into a SOLUTION. Yes, I know it SUCKS what he did to you and it's just not FAIR, right? You can choose to think that way, but that keeps you stuck in the bond, the ruminating, the bitterness, sense of injustice and rage. Yes, it's unfair that he left you with this mess to clean up, but a little bit of RESPONSIBILITY and CHOICE can change that with a dash of SOLUTION. Ok, so what choices will you make to clean up what YOU are responsible for? And if you ARE left with some of his mess, what are YOU going to do to clean that up too? Perspective: How you view what happened can come from two different perspectives, no matter WHAT your circumstances are: You can continue to see yourself as HIS victim or you can see yourself as your own CHAMPION. Women spend a lot of time in denial or stuck in anger at this stage of development. Even with situations such as shared children and/or business, your perceptions, thus REACTIONS to him, determine whether or not you wish to remain his victim. This doesnt' mean the psychopath will not work hard to torture you further, and in fact, for some of you, the stronger you get, the less you react, at least initially, the MORE he will attempt to destroy your strength. As long as you perceive him as the VICTOR ("he gets away with everything!), he will have power in your life. CHANGE your perspective: Yes, he gets away with much because he has no conscience and he's a very sick person, and he's going to do what he's going to do, but I have a LIFE I WANT TO LIVE NOW AND I AM IN CHARGE OF WHAT I CAN BE IN CHARGE OF: And THAT is your perspective. How much of how he affects you now is that you allow him too? He recreates the bond over and over by doing something slimy and sneaky, triangulating others in your life, including the children. What perspective can you take on that means he has less power and that you have MORE, no matter what slimy, sneaky thing HE is doing? Trying to fight with, convince, share, tell, order, complain, whine, REACT to a psychopath, means he still has the power. Every grievance that you share with him, even in anger, gives him power, TELLS him, LITERALLY what to keep doing that bothers you, and therefore he does it, subsequently triggering you, keeping you a victim and never moving forward with your life.

You CAN, CAN, CAN get distance. The excuses women and men make for keeping EMOTIONAL contact, including the children, because the psychopath continues to recreate the trauma bond, are amazing. Do you realize that this is what is happening? He only has as much POWER as you PERCEIVE he has. I can't tell you how important this is. CHANGE YOUR PERSPECTIVE.


Ok, quick review here: RESPONSIBILITY, CHOICE and PERSPECTIVE. THESE THREE THINGS, when implemented into your healing process, WILL move you forward. Let's see if we can make this happen together. Let's get you UNSTUCK! It IS your choice, it really is! EMPOWER YOURSELVES and you will find MUCH support her for your continued effort, courage and strength in moving forward, all you need to have right now, is the DESIRE and MOTIVATION to change. ♥ ♥

Understanding Betrayal patterns

While in therapy today, the issue of betrayal was addressed with regards to child sexual abuse, of which I am a survivor within the paramaters of my pathological upbringing. I have always been confused by the reality that my anger at the abuser himself, seemed less than the abuse from my mother, considered to be the "non offending" parent. NON offending? She didn't believe me when I told her. My revelation to her of what was happening was swiftly met by a hard hand across the face, while told I was a liar. She did many things to me that screamed neglect. I was denied medical care, nurturing during distress and illness, while she openly nurtured and cared for, my brother and sister. She viewed me, a nine year old child, competition for my stepfather. I had no idea why these things were happening, I just know the intense pain in my chest, a hollow, empty, helpless, hopeless, yet terrifying feeling. I was not safe. Worse yet, I was betrayed. My therapist shared that betrayal trauma can be much worse, as far as traumas go, than the actual abuser and the abuse itself. The pain is different, but much deeper. There was not one safe or protective care giver during my childhood and adolescence. Not one.

Is it not a surprise I was perfect prey for psychopaths? I was raised and abused by them. Betrayal being the link in the chain of many. Is it not a wonder that survivors are in such emotional pain and so very traumatized? Betrayal is the number one and most profound hurt when the relationship is over.

Every single relationship with a psychopath is filled with betrayal. It is their MO, it then becomes our cross to bear when the relationship ends. Because the psychopath is deceitful from the very beginning, the entire relationship is nothing but a series of betrayals. The good times and the bad. Manipulations, lies, projections, luring to dangerous end.

This level of betrayal shatters your sense of self, trust and safety. If you carried a belief that there was good in everyone, the psychopath shows you that this thinking was flawed. How do we survive such a terrible trauma?

I think we start over. From square one. Time for a make over. We read, alot. We vent, a lot. We write. We pray. And we cry and get angry. We find support that is safe. We isolate to some degree, taking a 'time out" from humanity and the narcissistic rat race, to gather ourselves under a self made umbrella of safety and we lick our wounds. We evaluate the damage done. We look WITHIN and utilize whatever tools are available to do that safely....then we venture out into the world again slowly, but with new eyes. Realistic eyes.

But we do it with a trauma we've experienced on a level that will help us learn to be more cautious, because we can't go back to the old way of viewing the world. To do so is dangerous and there are more psychopaths out there. More disordered to deal with. You may meet many more or a few. You may find that you have to clean some more of out your life. You may recognize more betrayals in your life that you didn't notice before your experience or before your awareness. It's at this point, while you're cleaning out your emotional life, that you may feel that perhaps ignorance really is bliss because the pain is so overwhelming ...doesn't it seem sometimes that it was better not to know than to know? It's at this time in recovery, for some, that more awareness is too painful to bear, the level of betrayal too high and a process of moving through is stopped. I understand why this may happen and often does. For whatever vulnerabilities we had that made us prey to the psychopath, are the very vulnerabilities we need to exorcize or protect. This makes us partly responsible for the cleaning up the mess the betrayal left behind. What a horrible injustice.

This can feel very much like SELF BLAME. I want to be VERY CLEAR that the psychopath's deceit and targeting you was NOT and NEVER WAS YOUR FAULT. EVER. The level of deceit that we experience, as well as the level of betrayal cannot possibly be foretold. You could not have known what the psychopath wanted or was up too. You didn't and don't think like that, which is another reason why this kind of betrayal is so painful and so challenging to accept.

But we CAN. As I move through this process, I'm seeing why some survivors get stuck and where, but also why.

If you are willing to move through this, you'll have moved a higher level of spirituality, intuitiveness and self knowledge. You will know how to protect yourself so you are not betrayed again and you won't be afraid to cut people out of your life that threaten your safety and you won't be afraid to trust those who are worthy of that trust, but you will not freely give it. You will know how to be cautious. You will not have verbal bulimia or give your wonderful free spirit away to every human being that crosses your path and would want to EXPLOIT it. A potential disordered one will literally be offensive to your healing spirit.

Part of that you can start today. Little steps to self care and learning how to be safe, to learn little step by little step, how to trust ourselves while venturing out into the world again. By doing this, taking as long as you need, yet moving forward, you begin to minimize the impact of the betrayal, by maximizing your own power. This is why looking within is so important. Digging deep is unavoidable to reach the point where you can protect yourself and enjoy life as much as possible and feel safe doing it.

We can't avoid the level of betrayal that we've experienced. We can avoid it in the future. It's important to grieve all the losses that come with betrayal, but it's also just as important to keep going, even when the awareness of how much damage and how deep the betrayal was and the pain it causes, just KEEP MOVING THROUGH.

I have hope that all of us can do this. God Bless. ♥

 

 Choosing Integrity vs. Playing Games.

Over the last 24 hours, I've had a crash course in this field and what it means to have integrity. There is as much pathology in this field (if not more) than in other fields. My theories on this as to why are that it's NOT a well known subject/topic, nor is it discussed much outside of the field, other than victims who are searching for answers to their experiences and happen upon blogs, pages and websites that explain well the disorders. The victims are raw after their experiences. There are some in this field that know this and exploit already wounded survivors. On the other end of this is a competitiveness that is nauseating. The war mongering, cyberstalking, hacking, back biting, malicious smear campaigns is tremendous and overwhelmingly sad. It is fertile ground for further exploitation of victims.

I won't play those games. How this impacts you is important because it provides an opportunity for me to warn you about what is commonly called trolls and plants. Trolls are those who come to the pages and pretend to be victims. Sometimes they are easily spotted, particularly if they are aggressive, others take time because they're more MANIPULATIVE and play this role extremely well. It can take several posts on a thread for me to identify them at times. When I DO identify it, it is GONE from the page and the person BANNED. This does not mean they don't try again, because they often do, but I have no issue using the ban and delete as often as I wish too. They start off playing the victim and as the thread progresses, they begin to ATTACK. Nine times out of ten, you will be hard pressed to understand what set them off. It could be envy, it could disagreeing with them, and attempting to disengage by politely refusing to play into their drama. They will always, ALWAYS expose themselves when they turn on you. ALWAYS.

Plants are another issue I've been dealing with and they are even more interesting. Plants are those who like a page or present themselves on a forum to observe the intended targets conversations/behavior, and report back to someone else that is doing the targeting. What this looks like is an ex who is a stalker. Oftentimes it's not the ex doing the stalking, but a proxy. A puppet. Many pathologicals get someone else to do their dirty work FOR them. Some will play the victim and then spontaneously attack your integrity or your work. Some will just observe and keep tabs on you. These are a bit harder to spot, but I'm getting a crash course in that and my policy is that I don't take anymore chances. I go with my gut and TRUST it. If a plant manages to get on the page and do their victim act, then ATTACK, I get rid of them and let them go. VERY simple for me. But they can also appear overly flattering to me and it looks just like it does when the psychopath LURES.

A message to those who are presently a troll or plant: I"m boring. Really. I live a nice, quiet and peaceful life. I promote and feel compassionate about, the growth and healing of others. Drama isn't fun anymore, nor is the chaos it brings. Smear campaigns, hacking are all kind of annoying, but I'm okay with that too. Comes with the territory and I understand that. I have grown enough in this process now that I'll stand strong in my integrity and what I believe in. I plan to continue just the way I am for now, which is, really pretty BORING. I also wish to align myself with others who have integrity and have the same motives that I do, AGAIN, which is to educate and encourage others to heal. I really don't mind teaching about pathology, but you can count me out in that I'll "spin in the shit" as it were, for the sake of exploiting victims or becoming an educational puppet. My goals are boring too, with essentially boring people who want a collective, diplomatic approach to educating and encouraging growth. They have enormous integrity too and are as boring as I am. Because of this collective approach and our deep compassion and passion for those who are suffering, nothing less than this approach will do. **Yawn**

To the rest of you: This is how you can recognize pathology in those you believe have integrity (faked) and are appear as educators: They know A LOT about pathology. A TON. Actually, they are helpful with the information they give. On a higher level, it's really not important whose work you study with regards to pathology. If the information appears accurate, then READ IT. When it comes to those of us little fish in the bigger pond, pathology is easier to spot. They know tons about pathology, again very helpful and informative and necessary while learning about pathology. They regurgitate information over and over and encourage your ruminating. Ironically, when you're first out of the relationship this is a very important process. But this is ALL they will do. An occasional sound bite will be tossed in about moving forward, but no one ever really does. Survivors are not encouraged to look within, nor to question their involvement or themselves or to look outside the pathological box to see that it isn't just their ex that is pathological, but sometimes the very people that appear to be there to help you, are actually exploiting you and your pain. When the conversation is not shifted and the victims are encouraged to wallow in self pity or that of others, the healing process comes to a COMPLETE HALT. People who are pathological cannot do much more than regurgitate information about the pathological because this is where their narcissistic supply comes from. They also lack empathy and therefore are not invested in your growth, but more in themselves and keeping you a victim so you stay there far longer than is necessary. Only so much can be said about the pathological. Only so much can be learned before you're at a dead end and it comes time to work on YOURSELF.

I know an acquaintance who was with a pathological man. He was violently and verbally abusive to her. She too, was desperate, broke and emotionally broken. She belonged to a church where the Pastor IS pathological. He became aware of her situation and offered financial support, as well as "fellowship' in the church in exchange for her loyalty. She, of course, was unaware of this, but there were others in the church who WERE and left the church. All tried to encourage her to look at what she was BLINDLY FOLLOWING. She refused and as it was with her pathological ex, transference happened instead of individual growth, and she is now the "sheeple" of the Pastor. Because she was in dire need of financial support and he and the church continue to provide it, she is unable to see his pathology. This is a very sad story but an all too familiar one. This is why it's so important to be exceptionally careful about your own self care in the healing process and to be aware that it isn't just your ex who is willing to exploit your desperate need of support through vulnerability and pain. The idea is to learn to LEAD yourself and learn to move away from becoming a FOLLOWER of ANYONE'S agenda.

I do not tell this to you and not observe and implement the same practice. I refuse to FOLLOW anyone. I work with and collaborate with Claudia, Betty, and Sarah in an effort to help you. Our collective hope is that you get something from what we share and apply what you need to your own life and GROW MORE on your OWN. Our hope is that you DON"T stay here forever and that at some point, this page and those here to encourage you will one day see you disappear and hopefully living a VERY happy, healthy life again. That is the greatest of all gifts any one of us could ask for and it's worth rejoicing about too and we often do.

I'll be posting an article written by the blogger Skylar from Love Fraud about what gray rock means and is. It is an excellent article that will help you further define what psychopaths do and look like and how to avoid their machinations and malicious attacks upon you or those around you.

I hope this day brings you MANY blessings. ♥

 

  DENIAL

The Path To Peace-Recovery From Psychopathic Manipulation and Abuse

With all the disassembling of myself and people from my life that I have had to do, there are times I feel overwhelmed.

It can make you feel totally alone when all the toxic stuff is gone. It's like tearing down an old house, and being left with nothing but the foundation to build up. In one year, things look and feel incredibly different. I look back, and see the strength it has been in literally gutting myself and my life.

Sometimes, a free floating anxiety sets in because everything I was use too is gone. While the peace feels wonderful, and I know I'm moving in the right direction, and I know these decisions for me were right, it still feels like so much loss. There are times during pain when I think "Denial was so much better than this!" At least I had my man, my kids, my friends.....

Denial is a very powerful thing. It's a nice cozy warm blanket in a house and life full of abuse. It's an over intellectualizing of what doesn't' make sense, my utopian space. It's amazing, when I look back now, how I could intellectualize everything into a nice, neat little package with a bow on top! I didn't want to face the truth, so I ran from it and my running meant I OVER analyzed it. If I could do that, then I didn't have to look at the pain I would have to face if I let go of the toxic elements and people in my life. I wouldn't have to look at the roots, the reasons, myself. So I ran.

After the relationship was over, I continued to run. Ok, so it was a little harder to intellectualize it all, but hey! That's what rumination is for! Again, trying to make sense of nonsense. Trying to make sense of what IS and nothing more. Avoiding the truth again, the root, what got me there, and the intense pain in the form of anger and obsessing in the aftermath to avoid pain and the major decisions I needed to make to become healthy. It wasn't just getting the pathological out of my life. There was more. And then there was me to deal with.

Intellectualizing didn't work anymore. My heart caught up and the pain burst through. I was completely broken. I was avoiding grief. I feared pain. I wanted to hang onto my intellectualizing, denial and ruminating because as long as I did that, I was still in the familiar with drama and chaos. I was still holding onto him and the false promise. Even in anger. Ruminating allowed me to stay in it. It was another form of denial. Telling myself I was fine, was denial. Telling myself that I had lived a life of pathology and that I had healed, but had really repressed, was denial. Distracting myself with scholarly pursuits and telling myself I was free of him, finally so I could move on, missed the whole point of being broken. It was denial.

Denial is very powerful. It prevented choice. It kept me stuck. It kept me toxic. I did everything I could to resist doing what would be the very thing that would heal me: face the truth of the pain. face the truth of the relationship and all the damage it caused to myself and others. face the pain of changes that I needed to make within. face the root of why I was involved and pull it up and out of my life.

When I look back at what was lost, denial looks tempting, but even if I tried, I couldn't engage in it anymore.

It's a very strange feeling, really. Wanting to run back, but knowing that the only way to run now, is forward. Nothing is familiar now, so on the days I dare to think I miss what was, I keep in mind that what I am missing is what is FAMILIAR, because when I think about being in that place of denial, it wasn't at all utopian and I knew I would forever run in place there, but it's all I knew. It's understandable why survivors stay stuck. It is very scary to let go of the familiar, to say a permanent goodbye to him and the past, but there is no other way to healing. You cannot skip anything in the process. It's just another form of denial.

The universe has a way of stopping you in your tracks and shaking the denial out of you. :)

So much for intellectualizing everything. Unfortunately, it doesn't work when the heart catches up. Intellectualizing was my defense mechanism. It was a way for me to cut off what I was feeling, it allowed me to run.

I guess it feels different to have my heart attached to me now.

Some things just can't be intellectualized, analyzed to death.

I have learned that sometimes, things or people don't make sense and it is what it is, but using intellectualizing to avoid the pain of what was done or my part or to prevent myself from FEELING, worked for a very long time.

Until I ran into something that made no sense. The last psychopath.

It wasn't until I stopped intellectualizing, when I was so sick from my denial, that the pain was allowed to come through, the reality of the roots before me to pull. The pain of betrayal of self and other to face. Not very scholarly, is it?

What broke my denial, is that I could no longer make sense of nonsense. I couldn't analyze what just IS. I couldn't intelllectualize myself out of pain. There was nothing to wrap my mind around about the toxic person I was with, HE JUST IS. And so is the fallout and pain that is the aftermath.

I still find myself intellectualizing. Because this was such a huge defense mechanism for me, I work really hard on just FEELING what goes through me.

Intellectually speaking, lol, denial is SO MUCH BETTER, but when I allow my heart to stay involved in the process, I know that it's not true. Very strange place to be indeed, steeped in the unfamiliar, working through pain, pulling up roots.

The familiar no longer works.

Onward and upward!

From Darkness Within Us, another persons blog about looking inward , and facing the darkness. the points made are generally the same no matter what faith or belief system you personally practice. THIS IS A MUST>>> IN ORDER TO SEE YOUR WAY OUT!

Sometimes we go through rough moments, sometimes we feel that it couldn´t get worst and when we least expect it it does.
It is only natural that we get in touch with the darkness within, that does not mean necessarily that we are getting in touch with evil.
The universe is a balance of light and dark, so we cannot be all love and light all the time, we have to let the darkness embrace us so we can move on and transform from it.
We get desperate when we reach "rock bottom", and this is called the Dark Night of the Soul. When we reach that it feel like it would be better just to die because you don´t see a way out of it, a way to fix it. We forget though that there is always a way out of it, and it isn´t a very easy way out, but it is a way out!
We often try to run away from dealing with it because it is easier, but then we end up carrying that problem along with us for the rest of our lives.
Do you want to end it once and for all? Do you think you are stable enough to deal with it face to face?
Then it is time to do some Shadow Work.
What would that be? Shadow Work is to face your problems, confront them until you can move on from them.
Is it easy? No!
Literally what you have to do is remember that problem, face it, cry on it, scream at it, write about it, whatever makes you feel it again with all it´s intensity. After hurting you will get to a point that you see something inside of you calming, resting. And you are able to view the problem with clearness and understanding, seeing why it did come into your life, what do you have to learn from it. Almost if you are the outsider viewing the problem.
Of course this is a slow process, so one day suddenly you will realize you have not thought of the problem for months, and thus seeing that all the harshness let you have peace of soul with the subject.
It is recommended by Kristin that you only start working on your shadow after a couple of months to a year that the problem has happened. Why? Because if you do it right away, you are not stable enough to face it, so it might just make it worst instead of making it better.
I would say that when the problem shows up, let the Dark night of the Soul take place, cry, scream, laugh about it. Let it cool for a while and when you feel like you have more control of yourself then go into the Shadow Work.