A perspective on choice and moving on
Has anyone told you not to look in the past?
There are good reasons why there is nothing wrong with looking at our past choices if we need to.
Moving on and letting go is unique to all of us.
Ever here that we all had a choice? Choice is much like looking out windows to see because the outdoors is an ever changing environment, there's always something new to see.
How does a person make the right choices if your views are taken away?
Another way is listening ... but is listening to the rain hit the roof
enough to let us know the weather for the day? Then we can turn to
other ways to listen and find the answers that we will need to survive!
What if someone comes along and blocks more of your access in order
for you to make healthy choices for yourselves? Are we able to see
things with the right perspective according to our own priorities,
personal boundaries, ethics? What if we need to make a choice about our
survival controlled by another ... hummm. WE NEED TO TRUST THEM BUT...
people deceive for many reasons they justify.Were trusting another, so
why would they use deceptions? So is it really your choice anymore?
Sometimes looking out helps us to look within for the right answers. Watching means we can use our awareness, see what’s real!
Looking
within ... if were real with ourselves our emotional and physical scars
remind us of how we were built, who we are, or where we want to be. I
feel these reminders help us to see what became important to us.
Comparing our minds to machines, new machinery and ideas only work
better today because we learned from the past negative as well as
positive experiences.
I
don't know why some people lump everything into simple phrases that
they feel fix's everything. It is like wearing blinders. For instance
they may say the phrase "you just need to live in the moment".
Why say that phrase to someone when they are revisiting the past? As if
implying they were actually stuck or living in their past, therefore
not moving on?
Maybe
some people may seem stuck to you because there is still no closure
that needs to be dealt with for them. Their could be a form of justice,
or healing that they need to have for them to move on. Because what is a
priority for you may not be the needs for another, why not just listen
and affirm their feelings? They may feel your simplifying or minimizing
them.
Regarding
choice and communication with others, I had continued to approach
people openly, right away when I felt something was effecting me in a
negative way. I was neutral and calm, not blaming or pointing fingers
because that would be putting another in a defensive or aggressive
situation. I would say that when they did this or that, how it hurts me
and why! I had varied responses. One said "that's your problem" then
kept doing it. Another apologized but kept doing it as though I would
never catch on. One person said I needed to change, another twisted how I
understood the meaning, another took offense, another said I needed
psychiatric help. I think it was obvious what the truth was when people
looked nervous and said or did things to end the subject and discussion
from going further. There are so many ways to turn things around, and I
know I feared the truth so facing people is not easy. In fact to keep
healthy boundaries, stay safe and in tact I often put my thoughts in
writing. Of course no one "has to"change for another! I feel respect
means we take consideration for another so at that time I adjusted and
practiced patience, forgiveness, acceptance, tolerance, kindness,
compassion and understanding. However now, because of past experience of
showing their continued disrespect for my feelings and one-sidedness I
chose to draw a harsh boundary. I owned my feelings and respected
theirs, now it was time for me to respect myself.
Boundaries,
abuse, love are all things we may need to look back on in order to move
forward. Moving on is of no use when going in circles.
In
a storm we can use all our strength just to stay where we are. We can
ride the waves, make use of them, or give up till the storms over.
Someone is watching over us with a life boat, searching when were lost,
but its up to us to wear our life jackets and keep our friends informed.
The storm always settles, and its time to take care of damages, to get
where you want to be.
Also,
if we keep records (inventory) of anything in our life , and share what
we know with others, we become a resource to help others. People can
experience life and learn from others, by written word, in song, and
passing on our story rather than each person relive and make the same
mistakes. The chances are better that we can succeed and grow in future
goals, rather than go in circles or repeat the same patterns.
I
do not personally find my past emotional or physical scars too ugly to
show others! However, I guess we all see beauty differently as well, and
maybe we are all still stuck on hiding what is not perfect. I feel if
the past or wound has not been closed, the problems should be brought up
as often as it needs to be, so the scars heal and will not reopen or
fester.
It may be obvious to you that being "told" you "have to"
do this or that in relation to getting well upsets me... especially
from our supports. However I make the same slip in words from time to
time myself. All I can say is if I am trying to be there for another person, its not about
me and the most important thing we can do for another is LISTEN to their
unique language. When a person is hurting, their body language, and eye
contact can sometimes be deceiving. Some may know how to hide their
feelings, some may not know how to explain how they feel. What we see as
uplifting, maybe hurting them worse. It is important a person feels
safe in order to talk to another, especially with abuse. Abuse is often
invisible to others! Who can they trust? Not everyone can reach out.
Abused
or depressed people may hide true feelings from others because they cannot communicate like they use to. Some
situations may be taring a person apart inside, it could be out of
guilt that there not happy, so they stay away from supports. What ever their reason,
if we start telling them to get over it , or move on
before they have really spoken out we
could be
undermining them. Maybe you think it is not bullying them by saying
there selfish or their doing this to themselves, but isn't this the same
tactics the cheating partner used to keep control? Our intentions may
be
good, we may have even laughed to try to get the abused persons mind on
something
else and to look
at the positive. Unless you know a person really well, just Listen...
listen to body language, listen to silence - look for the signs because
they may need help.
Don't
walk away from them if they isolate themselves from others out of
depression, maybe there hurt? Getting the right professional help to go
to them is what I do for another
if I am not sure if that person needs help or not. And I always follow
up,
because not everyone satisfies my peace of mind.
I
feel the words "you have to"are dictating, bossy or controlling in
itself, so when so called supports use these direct phrases to an abused
person, how does this bossy behavior help a person who was affected with
control? Remember that dignity was taken away, already by
limiting or steering choice so careful with words that could trigger undesired results.
There
is a time and a place for assertiveness, and simplifying doesn't work
when some peoples lives are so complex. See through their eyes.
An abused individual can learn how to reason, discern, set boundaries
for themselves when they are able to express themselves in an
emotionally safe
and open environment. Maybe the abused person needs new tools for
communicating, maybe the abused person has not been able to think for
herself. Learning
freedom of choice is as important as knowing what our choices are.
Taking away or putting limits on another’s choices is not freedom, its
getting your own desired results. Yes, sometimes we need to hear the
words "we need to" in our lives, as well as have healthy limits or
boundaries placed upon us at times... However, be careful the words are
not used to crush, or impose on another. Because we could be dealing
with chronic emotional abuse! When a support person is there as we draw
out the many layers of ourselves to get to the core, we should be safe
to express and just be ...to become a whole sole.
Trust
is not going to always be automatic because of tittles or position,
because these positions of trust or authority may have been the abuser.
Abusers know where the vulnerable are, and professionals should not hide
questionable actions of another coworker. The person who is closest to
the abused and they love the most may be the one abusing, and why no one
should feel alone or helpless to do anything about it. Imagine how
helpless children feel when there unable to ask for help, because they
dont really understand what what healthy boundaries are? And when people
that they should be able to trust for help dont see the signs, or
listen? What choices do they have, when someone complains and they have
to live in the same environment? Maybe more extreme tactics by the
abuser to keep the silence or would they really have chosen to come
forward and change without an ultimatum and watchful eye?
I
also don't think some things can be called a choice for everyone,
especially when we have a fight or flight response to unusual
situations. We use the only tools we know or were made available to us
at that time to cope. There are many many studies on how people react to
a situation when there actually in the moment. Studies on violence and
abuse in a variety of settings have had teachers, students, police
officers, military, professional therapists all acting in ways and doing
things they never thought they would do.On impulse, instinctively, in shook!
I
do believe that there are some things or some times that choice
may need to be guided in order to keep a person safe. I feel people
should face issues that are causing harm to
others and all of us to be held accountable for the harm we do. If we
walk away
from another person in trouble, keep the silence, I think we should be
held
accountable if harm comes to a person because of our neglect. Such as
not calling the police when there is a crime going
on. Yes, there is a time and a place for when we need to do things too.
Imagine
the scar oil spills have caused, and the long lasting effects to
everything around the trauma. That spill was not everyones choice, the only
choices were decisions made by another person(s) priorities, experiences, values, and
view of accountability. Some people may have never known about the spill if it were not for people who don't let
things go. How do we move on from this?
The meaning of :"Move on" to one person could mean something totally different than another person.
One
person may need to deal
with this oil spill not happening again by calm negotiating with the
owner, another by protesting along the tanker, another person it could
mean to go after the persons(s) responsible to pay for the damage for
years to come. It takes a lot of dedication and effort from people who
care to clean up the mess. Therefore, my point is we all clean up the
mess in
different ways in order to "let go” and move on and we need supports
that care. Moreover, we all dedicate our time
to a messy situation by our priorities, our experience, our values and
abilities at the time. I feel the phrase "we all have a choice" is a way
to close a matter and keep it simple which isn't always in the other
persons best interest when it comes to trauma.
So
with abuse of any kind, don't be undermined, or invalidated when
advised to let go as if to insinuate you have not... because we all let
go in our own ways. Nor is it all about choice, or whoever is saying it
is not taking your whole situation into account. Remember that a large
part of abuse is all about your choices taken away. It also really
bothers me when people insinuate were letting them abuse us more by
dwelling on it. PTSD is another subject on here they should consider in
my blog before treading on that statement as well.
Ive heard people tell us we should not care what others
think of us. Which is pretty cold if you feel the biggest gift, is to love and to be
loved, so why make concern for another a bad word? I can guarantee you
any person on a date, is concerned about what they look like for the other person to find them attractive.
Looking at yourself in the mirror to enhance ourselves
in consideration for another internally or externally does not need to be a negative reflection.
Honor the journey and the time it takes
Being with the psychopath requires you to shed your
identity at his door and put on part of his mask and wear his toxic clothing.
There is no way around this. If you walked into the relationship, with even a
little bit of mental health, you will not have it shortly thereafter.
Psychopaths are extremely dangerous, even those that are not physically
abusive, even more so, and to be involved with one can and does, make you sick
psychologically and often physically. So in this way, he is a walking contagion
to anyone who is near. This is why I believe it takes so long to heal and why
we must honor the journey and time it takes. I think for some of us, this
journey will be short compared to some of us who have had pathology in our
lives, all our lives. Please be patient with yourselves. I understand how
frustrating it truly is, but just know that each tear your cry, and every
pillow you hit in anger, is another step taken in the process, but it's the
time it takes that will be the most challenging to endure. Don't give up. ♥
I
was told from a
person that he
didn't belong to anybody! That said... love is not about owning someone,
or control, why cant it be about a comfortable, safe, growth? What is
wrong with the feeling of belonging? So that were not alone but a part
of
something. Why cant people discuss what their own unique relationship or
friendship will be. What is wrong with caring about another person and
have a balanced concern
for how they are feeling towards you? Maybe people who say
they don't care what another person who loves them thinks knows what
love
really
is? Love evolves with the right environment and the right fit. Love does
grow better not
worse with communication and being included.I hope we all find the right
fit.
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